Cabinet Psihoterapie
Considering the reviews I had prior to publishing this essay, I am going to point out the elements that I couldn’t hide in the text in a way that would make them salient. This being said, this text is not a page from my diary! It is a general text of a class of people that expect more from their lives and expect to be fully happy at some point. I thought that this is everybody, but some people said that this is not their case. They said that they are ok with a mediocre life and a mediocre happiness. So this people might not recognize themselves in this text. Hopefully the others will and enjoy the text! I would hate to waste their time!
Ever since I was a child, I knew I was going to live a great life! I couldn’t wait to grow up, be independent and show people what I’m capable of! Now that I am here, I have so much to give! I am one of the most interesting people I know! I am looked up to. When I talk, they listen and appreciate me. If there would be a reality show about me, I’m sure people would love it! I am funny, intelligent, I have excellent problem solving skills and my perspectives about life and society are so realistic! Obviously some people don’t think that way, but there are always some naïve or stupid people. What can you do?
Anyway, my life is not great right now, but it is going in that general direction. Something is keeping me from greatness, though. It must be the fact that I am in the wrong country, or that I have the wrong job, that I still haven’t got that promotion, or that I’m working at the wrong company, or I haven’t met the right person yet, my soul mate, or I haven’t yet befriended that person that will see my qualities and give me my dream job with that great salary that I know I deserve, or that I don’t have enough money to start my own business. But it will happen! I know it will; I feel it deep inside! That’s what keeps me going! Even if I don’t make it in this life, I’ve been a good person and God will reward me in the next.
I heard so many fairytales and saw so many movies and the general conclusion is that after the struggle I will succeed and be happy. And since I am struggling now, I must be on the right path – on the path to happiness. So, probably, in the future I will be rich, famous or both. I am already known by quite a few people. I feel that I know a lot about the world too; I could really teach people about stuff. I’m sure I would be more interesting than so many of the so called “stars” on TV! I know better than them what is right and what is wrong.
Being a Star… Wow! I wish I’ll be a Star! Their life must be so awesome! Having money to buy whatever they want and not having debts like I do. Liked by everyone wherever they go. The amount of sex this people could have if they wanted…! Being paid just to chat with other stars. Traveling everywhere. What an amazing life that must be! No worries! A truly carefree life! Paradise! Although, if I think about it, they have problems, too. Maybe this isn’t the right path, after all. How do people become stars, anyway? No one came to me with such an invitation to stardom. It must happen in another realm.
But there are many types of “famous”. You can still be famous for what you do, for a skill you have, for how fun you are, for how much money you have, for how much you traveled, for the (amount of) people you had sex with or dated, for knowing other famous people, for drinking large quantities of alcohol, or smoking too much, or being the one that quit, for having a chronic disease or condition, or knowing someone like this, for having a new car or phone, or some special feature. It can be as easy as not eating this morning or forgetting your umbrella. People share this with people all the time, hoping people will be impressed and they’ll remember them. Of course, they’re not aware of this, but we all secretly hope that our ordinary realizations will make us amazing one day! Like it happened to Leopoldo in To Rome with Love. It’s true that very few people make it, though. I look around me and see that most people are not happy. Their lives are so plain, their paths are clearly dead ends, and they don’t want to change them. They’re not even thinking if they’re lives actually lead to happiness! They act as if they are on the right path, but they don’t analyze it. It’s easy to see that they will not be rich and famous, and yet they continue doing what they do. It’s true that my life is not there either, but that will change. I’m constantly looking for ways to get there. People will love my struggling success story. They’re going to be like: “and you worked there for how many years? Wow! And you still made it! You are such a great person! Others would have given up, but not you!”
I still haven’t figured it out what am I going to be famous for. But I know my life has a meaning. It is a matter of time until it will become obvious. I feel that I am different than other people. I am special. I am not the background to great people; I am one of the greats. They struggled too to get recognition, you know! People thought they were oddballs at first, that they were strange. And that had happened to me, also. Once I’ll figure out what my purpose is, once that change happen and I’m offered that amazing opportunity, everything will make sense, my life will truly shine, and I will be truly happy. I will have no worries then. My life will finally be the joyous ride that I know I deserve! God hears my prayers and will surely reward me. Everyone will know that I am among God’s favorites because He would have given me this amazing lifestyle that everyone envies. I can’t wait for that day to come! Come on God, please hurry! You know I’m worthy!
I don’t understand why I have to struggle so much, though! How much must I wait for the good part to start? I did what I had to do. I worked/studied so much, I prayed to God so often, I impressed so many people with my skills. I even visualized to get the Law of Attraction to work for me. I envisioned myself rich and surrounded by friends, so I’m sure it will happen, but it’s taking so long! Why?
Do I still need to learn any more lessons? Is the Universe still trying to teach me things? When is it enough? It’s not like the rich and famous have all reached enlightenment and don’t need to learn lessons anymore! So how much do I need to learn to make it? Am I missing some vital lesson? Am I a lesson away from making it? I sure hope this is the case, because I want to be happy, already!
Happiness! I wonder what that is like. Constant relaxation, probably. What do people think when they are always happy, having no worries? I wander when am I happy? I guess a state I want to have for a long time is when I’m with my friends for example, or doing something else that’s fun, like going on a holiday. But if I had to guess what makes these states so special, I wouldn’t know what to say. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t think negatively about me – my friends convince me that what happened to me isn’t that dramatic – or that I forget about my problems altogether when I am doing something fun, when I am there with the flow. So I guess, to be happy, I have to not criticize myself anymore, to not see myself so insignificant, to be really proud of myself, constantly, to love myself and neglect my problems. But what if I’m wrong about loving myself? What if people laugh at me for being ridiculous? Wouldn’t I be so lame to be proud when everyone thinks I’m an idiot? And even if I’m a normal person, how can I love myself when I’m being stupid? I have to learn to be perfect, so I can be lovable! That sounded weird! Of course I will never be perfect! So how close to perfect must I be to be considered loveable? And how about problems? If I keep them constantly in my mind I feel that I have some control over them. The reason that I feel comfortable not thinking about them on my holiday is because I know someone else has them under control. Otherwise, they might sneak up on me. I can’t neglect them! I probably have to solve them all to be happy. Like that is ever going to happen.
So isn’t this what keeps life going: perfecting myself, perfecting others, perfecting what I do and solving my problems? And I’m doing all this to be rich and famous and, hence, happy. If I would be happy wouldn’t I inhibit my own evolution and wouldn’t I let problems get me? I wouldn’t be motivated to be more. Or God will think He has done a good job and will not reward me further. So what do I choose? To be happy or to evolve? Or can one evolve and be happy in the same time? Evolution is change, so why would you change something if you are happy? Some people say you can. But the only way to feel happy and still want to change something is by pretending to be happy about something you are not, because looking happy to others or convincing oneself about persistent happiness is too important. So, I guess, the world is split in two: imperfections and problems are what brings dynamics to life, and happiness is the peace behind it… That would make problems and mistakes not so bad… In theory. Having problems and making mistakes, though, sucks.
In other words, considering that not paying attention to problems or lagging in becoming more will lead to very painful experiences, I have to solve at least all of my big problems first, be a better and a more loveable person and have a higher social status, since I am at it, and then I’ll be happy. And then there is the doubt! What if I will never make it? What if happiness is always a step further? What if this is the most rich and famous I will ever be? Just a mediocre guy. Always struggling? Always looking at the horizon like a sailor and never finding land. Like in that movie “About Schmidt”… he didn’t make it. What if the salvation that I’m expecting is never going to come? What if there is no God and I’m all alone with no meaning? What if I’m just a sophisticated monkey, whose existence is as relevant as a chicken’s life: suffering, death, some post-mortem lingering in the memories of the survivors and then nothing? What if chances to making it are just statistics (some will, some won’t) and I am part of the majority? Or the minority at the other end? Those people whose lives are now very hard must have been as optimistic as I am about the future. There is no guarantee I will not end up like that. I’m spending my life thinking I’m going to be happy when everything will be perfect, acting like I’ll never die, like I’ll never miss the opportunity of this moment, like everything will stay the same and wait for me to be ready for it. Won’t my life be easier if I just accept that this moment is the only one I’m certain of? That this is the highest level of happiness that I am guaranteed to get…? It might, but no! I won’t settle for that! My life has to mean more! I’m sure I’ll make it one day for real! I’m sure there will come a day when my problems will be solved and then I can be happy forever! Until then I must struggle a little more – and a little more! – knowing that I am where I’m supposed to be: on the path to happiness!