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The Trouble with the Bible

I want to start this off by saying that I am not an atheist in the usual sense. Clearly there is something more than meets the eye, clearly this world is integrated into something larger. The concept of God, though, is complex and, unfortunately, the Bible is not getting it. I will not criticize God, per se, in the following text, but I will attack the image that the Bible gives him (I chose to treat God as a male because the Bible does that – I’m sure God is not an animal and, hence, he has no sex).

Many of the things I am going to point out are not a clear evidence that the Bible is laying, but I hope you will see the weirdness in it. Also, I will not go through all of the Bible for space reasons, just through some popular events. I will try to avoid as much as possible to point out what other people already said and I will not tackle the miracles or contradict any of the statements.

Old Testament

God created the world in a few days. On the fifth and sixth days he made the animals. Among them, over 35,000 types of spiders for some reason. Many types of rhinoceros, elephants, cows, an incredible number of dogs and cats, monkeys, snakes, about 250,000 types of bugs and many more, everyone in its place. What a diversity! I wander what purpose has the 1000th spider that he needed to be created, or the 28000th spider? Also, he gave the animals the ability to feel pain, fear of pain, fear of death, sadness, joy etc. Did he intended for us to eat them and still gave them feelings? Why so much cruelty? Shouldn’t God be merciful and loving? You probably know God is very cruel (some people will call it `evil`) throughout the Bible.

On the sixth day he also created the man and the woman. And then there was no rain and God created the man again, without a woman, this time. What? What happened to the first couple? Was that a preview? You probably don’t even understand what I’m saying, you have to read the Genesis to get it. Anyway, God created just a man; no woman. Most other animals had two sexes, but he just created a male, even designed with penis and testicles (considering that there is no account of adding them later). What was he thinking? Why give him the ability to procreate when all the females were from other species? Later, though, because he realized he made a mistake, and the man should not be alone, he decided to add the female as well. And so Adam became the only known pregnant man.

After he told the couple to watch over all beings, he put them in a smaller cage named Heaven. Which is weird if you think about it, because he created an entire planet already. Why would you keep them in a zoo? Why not let them all over the earth, or build just a heaven? He put them in Heaven to guard it from… whom exactly? He also put a dangerous tree in the middle of the cage. Why would you do that when you have an entire planet to hide it? Why making it anyway? Did God needed its fruits to know the difference between good and evil? What was the purpose of the tree? A trap? To test if the humans will bite? Didn’t he created the humans? If they would bite, wouldn’t be because of his faulty design?

And then the Devil meets Eve: a naked, naïve woman, when nobody was looking? And what does the most horrible creature in the world? Teaches her the difference between good and bad! I don’t think I know a guy that would not have had sex with her. Was she that ugly? I don’t think I know a guy that is at least as moral as the Devil. Why did God wanted them naked anyway? But let’s get back! She ate from the apple and committed a sin. But wasn’t this an expected outcome? After all, she did not know the difference between good and evil prior to the bite, right? On the other hand, when she gave Adam the forbidden fruit, she knew the difference between good and evil and, so, she knew she was doing the right thing disobeying God. And God, for some reason, got angry because he couldn’t see their genitals anymore.

And he sent them away, blaming them all and punishing them. He could just erase their minds and start over, but apparently punishment was more satisfying. And he made the women suffer when she gives birth… just like the rest of the animals. What did the animals do? Why are they punished for no reason? Were they tested with the tree too, or God just likes to see suffering?

Without mentioning it, he puts Heaven up, in the sky, so white men can’t reach it. Get it? In case you didn’t, it was a reference to the movie `White men can’t jump`.

Cain kills Abel, Abel stays dead, Cain goes unpunished, has sex, children and a peaceful life.

A drunk man with his daughters in a cave. They get pregnant. What’s more believable: they got him drunk and raped him, or he got drunk and raped them?

Noah builds a boat to save all land animals: all the many types of horses, goats, bears, tigers, antelopes, all the animals mentioned above and many, many others. You probably went through this enumeration too fast. Stop for a second and think how many sub-species of large animals are out there. Then an amount of water covers the earth 8 kilometers high. The temperature stays the same, or people just don’t mind the freezing. Then all this water disappears, living some behind, probably. Can you imagine the amount of water needed?

Moses talks to a burning bush, and nobody finds this disturbing. He seems like a reliable guy that people could entrust with their leadership and their lives. He tries to convince the king of Egypt, but God makes him stubborn. Apparently he had power over his mind and could have just made him empathetic to the Jews, and avoid all that suffering. But, instead, he got involved to make things worse for everybody. He made him so stubborn that he had to kill many children. Apparently this was God’s intention all along and he manipulated the king towards this massacre. Also, the all-knowing God needed some lamb blood to be guided in picking the houses where he was doing the infanticide. I wander if he sent guardian angels to kill those children or he has a special squad of children killer angels.

Then Moses goes into the desert, makes camp and goes alone in the mountains to talk to God and comes back with Ten Commandments. Some of them I’ll leave alone, because they’re ok or just not a big deal. But some are unusual. The first proclaims not to have another God. Why would he even say that? What other God? How many are there? If there is just one, why bother? It’s not like you can have another God. Another command: you should not covet another man’s wife. What should women do on this one? Or they just don’t matter? You should not commit adultery, another one says. These two do come close to forbidding rape and child molestation, but not really. One might think that rape is more important lying about the neighbor, for example. There is also one about honoring the parents. For those that don’t know, these laws are not recommendations. The punishment for not respecting them is death by stoning. But luckily the state does not take religion that serious (in this part of the world) anymore.

I will stop here with the Old Testament. Since I wasn’t going to point out everything, this place is as good as any. I hope you have an idea about how cruel this God is and see the difference between this God and the one you think is out there. They are not the same!

New Testament

First there is a discrepancy between Irod and Pilat’s governing years and Jesus’ birth and death, respectively. Then an older man marries a young girl… not for sex, for some reason. Why did he marry her? For the conversation? How many cases of marriages completely without sex have you ever heard of? She becomes pregnant and he is totally ok with it. In a marriage completely without sex she becomes pregnant and he is such a nice guy about it (I had to say it twice). What was going through this guy’s mind? On the other hand, apparently there was a mistake made in the translation of the Bible, through the version named `Septuagint`, where `young` was replaced by `virgin` when an ambiguous word meaning both was used.

Jesus was (is) the son of God, or so two gospels say this. But why just two? Isn’t this a big enough news to be mentioned by everyone? Also, in the same two gospels, Jesus comes from an important bloodline (Solomon, David, Abraham) – the two genealogies did not correlate exactly. Who was the father, again? God was the nephew of Solomon? Or Joseph gave the child a transfusion? Some might say that the line came through Mary. Women were not looked upon as links in blood lines, though. Who knows the names of the wives of Abraham, David and Solomon and, even tougher, who knows the names of their mothers (theirs or their wives’)? But maybe Mary had an important father with a known bloodline…

Mary married to Joseph had the son of God. Wasn’t there a command not to covet another guy’s woman? The only child God had was through abuse of power and disregard for the guy the woman he liked chose. And if Mary was seen as a human, than wasn’t there a command against adultery? Or artificial insemination doesn’t count? Speaking of which, how did the Holy Ghost had God’s sperm? Don’t tell me God also broke his masturbation or gay rule, too.

Three important people follow a star to a location. A static star on a moving sky! Not just that, but if you look at the stars at night, you will see that those that are directly above you will stay above you over a really large area. You cannot pinpoint much with it. So it couldn’t have been that high up. Probably it was an angel with a flashlight. Or Mary gave birth in a dance club. And why did the angel called them anyway? Or why only them? They don’t have any role later on! There was nobody closer who could bring honey, mirth and gold? Why would God need anything at all? Or if it was just about the event, why not tell more people? Why the important people did only gave some gifts, why not provide shelter, food, clothing etc. Who travels a very long distance to give some honey?

Jesus is baptized. Why? What sins did he washed?

Jesus is caught. The same happened to this guy Barabas. A governor that the history says was never this merciful, decides to let the Jews decide who should live. People choose Barabas, so Jesus gets executed by the Romans. And, for some reasons, it’s Jews’ fault. Let’s put this in another light: a killer comes in your house and asks you which of your brothers not to kill. You decide and he kills the other one. The cops show up immediately. How likely is it that you go to prison and the guy that whipped your brother, stabbed him, nailed him to a wooden cross and left him to die being eaten by birds and by bleeding to death is not just released, but he also receives money in his name for 2000 years?

You are in the crowd when this great choice opportunity is presented. Who would you choose to save: the son of God (Superman), or a regular guy? After all, they only have Superman tied with a rope and some mere humans stand around him. If he needed help for such a minuscule challenge, he might not be much of a god. If he was a god and could do anything, then he wanted to be there, so wouldn’t you save the guy that did not want to be there? The thief who must have stolen to survive – this always being hard in occupied nations. Why were Jews occupied, again, is another question. The special people of God; and they didn’t even had the opportunity to `betray` Jesus at that time. Were other gods more powerful? And if there are no other gods, why live the children that directly disobey the first command live way better and treat so badly the children that try the hardest?

And why are Romans treated as if they are above God? They are not guilty of killing Jesus although they put the nails in. They are those that the son of God was betrayed too. The authority that even God had to obey. Then Romans allowed for God to be saved for a few hours. Then they killed God (for a while), and now they collect the money for God… and not giving them to him. Is it because of the nice dresses, or the clown looking guardians of Vatican?

Jesus gets crucified and blood falls on a basket of eggs. Who brings eggs at an execution of their own son? Did she bought them on sale? Did she brought them along in case someone was hungry while waiting for the son to die? And then thought to add some blood for the taste? Who eats eggs dyed with human blood?

And then Jesus dies for our sins and resurrects three days later. Not much of a sacrifice if you think about it. He died for me for three days? He didn’t have to. I could have done that easy. It doesn’t seem that scary. I bet everyone could tolerate dying for three days to have their sins erased. Even the torture is doable. After all, the alternative would be to be tortured forever. And those `passions` were so much because they were for everybody’s sins. Individually is probably less than an hour (actually about a tiny fraction of a second, but I am being very punishy).

Of course there is more, but let’s move to the third category.

Others

We’ve discussed the content, but there’s more. There is a difference between Catholic and Orthodox Bibles. Probably the Qur’an and the Judaic Old Testament differ also. Somebody, apparently, censured God. There are even a few variants of the Ten Commandments. And on Bible Gateway, the `New International Version` makes God a veganism promoter in the first part of the Genesis which really made me happy. Another point about the relativity of religion is that there are over 38,000 Christian denominations. That is: over 38,000 different ways to keep traditions correctly.

Another idea to look at is: how does praying work? If your child is sick and you pray to God for your child’s health, you’re inviting God to change something. For him to change, he has to realize that the way things are now are wrong. They are not good enough. You would do it better. You are smarter than God. Or, the other option is that he really likes to see you humiliating yourself. Maybe he likes seeing you cry, worry, and feel miserable. Not such a wonderful God either way you put it, is he?

Since Islam includes the Old Testament, then this article applies to the Qur’an also. But I have a special challenge for the true believer: could someone please draw a horse actually capable of flying? Or, in other words, an anatomically correct flying horse? Because just putting wings on one is not enough. Any bird specialist can tell you that you need muscles to move those wings. Elements to consider: the wings must be wide/big enough to lift a 500 kg horse (this is the average). Then the wings add to that weight, so the wings must be able to lift themselves. Then we need muscles for all this weight. Then we need to readjust the wings and the muscles a few times, adding more and more each time until they are in balance. Also, the amount of muscle, a bird specialist will tell you is considerable. After all this is done, you need to add Mohammed (70 – 80 kg) and start over. For lunching you might also need speed – because lunching is the hardest; and the horse must have way over a tone. Talk to a biologist and ask how much can horse feet move in the best conditions and if that speed is enough. Good luck!

Now I’d like to close with a chess mate move for all three God religions, by coming back to the Genesis! If there is no evolution, and God created everything the way it is today, then what race was Adam?


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